Avoid overwhelm while having different roles

I like to go running while listening to a podcast or an audio book. It gives me a needed break from the overwhelm and helps me reset.

     Work is essential to me. There. I said it. I love working, and I’ve made it my business always to have a job I love. With this comes my love of being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a niece. I think you get the point. Oh, and did I mention that I have several fur kids, too, who are very demanding? All. The. Time.

     Even more so because I work at home.

     These pieces of who I am make up the whole me, and it is next to impossible to give up my dedication to any of the hats I wear. I try to be all things to everyone, and in doing so, I have learned so much about myself, life, and others. I also can easily succumb to burnout.

     Now, I am building a side hustle. I am learning a little every day. I am stretching myself every day; crazily enough, my day job also matters. This learning I have been doing supports everything I do from 9 to 5 as well. 

     This is why I started The Unrested Life. I am living it, but honestly, I am living it in a way that I feel more rested than ever before. When it comes down to it, I do believe you can have it all. You can wear all the hats, but there is a small catch.

     I saw the perfect quote in a Mashable article, “How to balance your side hustle with a full-time job.” Tara Tadlock says it best in the article: “You can have it all, but you can’t have it all at the same time.” With these words, a lightbulb went off. There are always trade-offs, and that is OK. 

     This isn’t the first time I read about this concept. Earlier this year, I read  “Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person.” (I love this book, and I highly recommend it.) Grey’s Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes writes that sometimes you focus on your kids. Then, other times, you might have to focus on the job, taking that out-of-town trip that significantly benefits your career. Rhimes is hilariously honest about her struggles with guilt in trying to balance it all. After self-shaming and self-doubt, she has made peace with herself and readily admits she has help—her nanny.

     I don’t have a nanny, but I have my support team, who is my mom and husband. They keep me sane and give me the space to do what I need to do and what I want to do. This team helps me balance.

     So, if you’re trying to have it all and feel like collapsing, stop waging what Rhimes calls the “Great Mommy War” against yourself or anyone else. Be who you are. See your strengths and limitations, and find a team with your back.

     The fact is that you cannot do it all, not at once. You also won’t always be perfect, and that’s OK.

     Now, you might be thinking of the mom or a co-worker doing it all. Again, they can only do everything with one of two things. One: Help. Or, two: The ebb and flow of balancing those hats. This means that some days you focus on work or maybe your home. On other days, you focus on the kids or another part of your life.

     With one adult child and my youngest growing faster than I would like, I keep thinking ahead, too. I see many friends who are now empty nesters. I consider how the hats will evolve. Ultimately, I will still be balancing it all, but that balance will again look different.

     The key to success when balancing it all is to stop those negative voices screaming in your head. They can be louder than the successes and much more damaging, so don’t give them your attention. You won’t be perfect. You will get the balance wrong, and sometimes, you will need to reprioritize. And sometimes, you will need to shut out everything to focus on that support system that keeps you going.

     As a teacher, I was always trying to project that perfect image. I felt it was expected. Have you ever seen a perfectly decorated teacher’s room? They are pretty intimidating in their organization and creativity. I wanted that image of perfection. I wanted to show that I could balance it all. I worked long hours. I made the homemade muffins with hidden veggies for my then toddler-age picky eater. I even tried cloth diapers. Yes, I wanted to save the environment, but none of these efforts lasted long because I burned out. When that happened, I started to question myself and doubt myself. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough or possibly being good enough. Since then, I have learned to show myself the same compassion I would show to others.

     In the Mashable article, Tadlock again says precisely what we need to hear: “Self-compassion combats imbalance and the in-over-your-head feeling. There is only one of you, and beating yourself up over mistakes, failures, or setbacks doesn’t help you handle everything on your plate.” It will only stop your progress, increase self-doubt, and exacerbate your anxiety.

     One day last year, my son was late for school, and I was pushing, trying to get him out the door. I am going to be real here. I was nagging, and it wasn’t pretty. That is when he looked at me and asked how my stress would help. I paused. I looked at him and smiled. It wasn’t going to help, so why was I doing it? He was echoing words I had undoubtedly spoken to him at some point. So, I stopped pushing and nagging. Yes, we were still late, but the journey there was not nearly as stressful.

     Just because we don’t do something perfect doesn’t mean we should beat up on ourselves, and it doesn’t mean we give up on trying either. Instead of continuing these bad habits, it’s time we ask ourselves. How does this help? If it doesn’t, stop doing it, and when it comes to having it all, stop expecting yourself to be perfect. If you are perfect, that means you aren’t learning, and it is always better to be learning because that means you are growing.